I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
