Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
