i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
