Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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