hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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