i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
