dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize