I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
