I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
