I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
