it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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