If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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