life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
