im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize