Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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