Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
