shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
