Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
