They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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