Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
