ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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