Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We have started to decorate penises.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
