Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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