no, he came in my armpit
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
