I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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