someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
