tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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