She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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