I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
