you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
