Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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