Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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