I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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