Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
