just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
