If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
