I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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