You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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