Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
