everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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