Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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