Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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