Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
