Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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