So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
