My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
