I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
