Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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