Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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