I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
