How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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