i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
