I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We left the knife in your bed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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