Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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