I'm lost and stupid without you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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