my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
