Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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