rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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