know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize