I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
