remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
