his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
