Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
