Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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