Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
